Introduction: Why Norway?
A country which cannot boast of any historical significance save some light pillaging in the 10th century, whose history is mostly dominated by other countries, a country so self-just that they were most likely given the Nobel Peace Prize as an ironic joke, where the people are strange when you're a stranger, often voted among the more expensive countries in the world; why would you even consider going to it?


Because of the above mentioned reasons. In Norway, no one is going to drag you into their shops, try to embezzle you at the local sights, become your "friend" when you really want to be alone, in fact, even the pickpockets are more often than not so distant that they prefer not picking your pocket to getting close to you.


What's there for you, then? To go to Norway means to look at the nature. The cities are not attractive, the shopping is hardly desirable, the prices are absurdly high and the food... let's not go there yet. The Norwegian nature, some 80% coastlines and mountains andquite beautiful ones at that, are absolutely worth a look. If you go really far North, you will catch the Northern Lights, which is the least dangerous acid trip simulation you will ever find.


When to go

• Winter: If you're looking for a snow extravaganza, do not go in the Christmas time. You might find snow in a deserted area, but the song "White Christmas" only starts either nostalgia or environmental debates in Norway. A better bet is late January - early February.


• Summer: Contrary to popular belief, Norway has summers. Especially in the South, where teperatures can rise above 90 F/35 C. Common practice during these hours is drinking a beer outside. Norwegians cannot abide sitting inside during the fine weather.


• Events: If you really want to discover Norway, try aiming for May 17th in the capital. This is the Norwegian Constitution Day, celebrated because it was the day after the constitution was finished and the day before it was ratified. Norwegian logic dictates this (Christmas Eve is celebrated, while Christmas Day is ignored; the same is true for Easter). Back to May 17th, it is celebrated by many original ways of making noise. The most popular are marching bands, of which there are at least 100 in the capital, drunk-to-hungover high-school/6th form graduates in overalls playing loud pop music and children blowing whistles and shouting "hooray". Many grown ups will wear strange peasant-y costumes, but remember not to insult these. Norwegians take pride in them, which makes it the only time rural pasttime gets any credit. If you don't remember what the Norwegian flag looks like after witnessing this phenomenon, you should consult a doctor. The day is dedicated to children, however, and as such it is customary to have hot dogs or ice cream, two tings even Norwegians can make with relative success.


• Extreme sports: All year, depending of what type you prefer. A word of warning, though: aside from messing up their Constitution Day (above), few thing annoy the otherwise phlegmatic people more than extreme sport participants getting stuck in a cliff 200 metres above ground or on an archipelago in the midst of a strong river by a waterfall. Norwegians will help you out of your calamity, and at no great cost for you, but you should do well to leave the country afterwards, or at least shut up about your story. If you must tell it, praise the Norwegian rescue operation to no end. An advise is to use the local experts. Norway has few large mountains, but they have some nasty cliffs and some mean waterfalls at the end of their unruly rivers.

Where to go?

City sights will be covered here. As far as nature sights are concerned, it is vital to remember that Norwegians love to go on tour, walks and other things for its own sake, rather than to have a destination. This lack of initiative is found elsewhere in Norwegian society as well. As far as nature sights are concerned, it is something like this:

• Fjords. Long inlets of water covered on both sides by steep hills only occasionally polluted by the odd dwellings. The reccomended fjords are Sognefjorden (the second most sparsely populated county, a county without any actual town), Hardangerfjorden (if you're fond of sour apples) and Lysefjorden (because of Prekestolen under).
• Mountains and other rock formations. Norway has large mountain ranges, half of which have summits easily reachable by walking, if you're into that sort of thing. The largest mountain, Galdhøpiggen, isn't. If you're planning on getting a lot of enemies, try to reach the summit alone, get stuck, get hypothermia and get saved by the Air Ambulance. Speaking of self-induced misery, there is a word to be said about Prekestolen (the pulpit). Prekestolen is a more-or-less square level with vertical walls downwards. It is not only quite attractive (as you can see from Lysefjoden), but if you are in a malicious mood, you might see a base jumper or a windsurfer make a complete fool of himself.
• Hurtigruten. There are boat tours, and then there's Hurtigruten. It's name means the speedy route, which is an excellent example of newspeak. It takes a good 7 days to complete the route from Bergen to Kirkenes (11 if you're going back), stopping at places most Norwegians know nothing about. If you have a couple of days to kill and have arrived at the conclusion that the cities are not worth your time, however, you will not be disappointed with the scenery.

Other topics:

Norwegians

Norwegian film

Norwegian music

Norwegian politics

Norwegian food
Anyone claiming that Norwegians have no sense of humour have yet to see Norwegian cuisine. Norway is a country particularily unsuitable for farming, and as such the raw materials are bad. To compensate for this, most Norwegian dishes are either cooked, smoked or lyed beyond taste.

Some typical Norwegian dishes do deserve special attention, though. First the fish:

• Lutefisk: For the rest of the world, lye is used to remove things, such as meat from bones or opening clogged sinks. In Norway, it is used to desecrate the body of a recently caught fish to the point where it is no longer recognizable as a previously living thing. The lye and the strong fish aroma of the cod seem to cancel each other out, because Lutefisk rarely tastes much. It is normally eaten as an excuse to eat bacon, butter and other side dishes that come with it.; much like the jacket potatoes in the rest of the world.
• Cured salmon: A marginally more papillically challenging dish, cured salmon is a pinkish orange bit of salmon salt-and-sugar-cured into a jelly-like condition. Cured salmon is normally served in small doses on top of breads. To add to the blandness, Norwegians often combine cured salmon with mayonnaise.
• Rakfisk: For a country with such long coast lines, it is interesting to see how many ways Norwegians have if ruining perfectly good and fresh fish. Rakfisk is among the nastier, it simply means fish fermented for three or four months.
• Crabs: (crustaceans, that is) are eaten fresh in large quantities with little but bread, butter and lemon (and large cases of beer or white wine) to go. Crab parties are the only Norwegian festivity wherein talking while eating is encouraged.

Then the meats:

• Fårikål: While not quite as inventive as with fish, Norwegians have their technique of making taste go away in meat as well. Fårikål (lamb in cabbage) is a stew consisting of bits of the lamb not much usable for anything else, much cabbage and whole pepper corns. This boils until it has no flavour and subsequently eaten.
• Pinnekjøtt: Lamb again, this time salted beyond recognition. Drink loads while eating this, or you will feel like a desert before dessert.
• Smalahove: In their defense, even Norwegians react to this one. In Western Norway it is costumary to salt, smoke and boil a sheep's head, without the brain, but everything else intact. This dish has a cult following, but is generally used as a punchline. Which is saying a lot.
• Fenalår: A lamb's leg salted beyond what even Norwegians are used to. It is edible, but hardly on its own
• Ribbe: Much like spare ribs, although somewhat more ritualistically prepared, as it is almost only eaten for Christmas.
• Game: Norwegians eat Rudolph. Get over it. It's quite tasty.

Other food and beverage:

• Dairy products: Norwegians love milk and cheese. Milk is relatively understandable, as it is fresh, cold and as a rule relatively untampered with. Cheese is a greater mystery. Norwegians export the harmless Jarlsberg cheese to several destinations, but themselves they prefer Norvegia, which is utterly tasteless. Norwegian versions of better cheeses and of course imports of cheese from better dairies abroad has kept more gastronomically advanced Norwegians alive. Norwegians also have a geitost (goat cheese), which is not a cheese and not made from goats. Rather it is a brown sweet lump based on cow's milk (and some goat milk). Geitost (or Brunost, brown cheese) is a national symbol, so be wary of not making facial expressions when eating it.
• Coffee and tea: Norwegians love coffee, and drink more coffee per person than any other people. This is also the only case wherein Norwegians care about the raw material. True Norwegian coffee drinkers can easily seperate between different types of instant coffee, and an increasing number is going over to roasted coffee. Tea is also drunk, but like in England, almost all Norwegians drink tea made from tea bags. A modest increase in loose leaf tea is probably coincidental.
• Alcohol: Anything that can be drunk will be. The Norwegian speciality is Akevitt (Aquavit), which is a potato-based spirit, which , as you can say about all Norwegian cuisine, goes well with beer.

Before giving up on Norway completely, you should know that there are a couple of decent restaurants specializing in non-Norwegian food.

Which brings us to fast food. Norway has many fast food restaurants, but few variants, and most of them are chain stores. There are for exampler 45 7-eleven in Oslo, or one per 12,000 inhabitants (in Manhattan, NY there are three). As 7-eleven and its Norwegian rival Deli deLuca (whose main difference is that they have more American products) are rivalling for young people who can't be bothered to go to a much cheaper supermarket, McDonalds and Burger King are fighting the Burger War, with Norwegian Pizza restaurants Peppe's Pizza and Pizzaekspressen taking care of the Pizza war. Pizza Hut tried and failed, and Taco Bell and KFC have never tried in Norway. This chain gang mentality has been wrongly called Americanism or American tendencies, as if New York or Chicago has no independent local delis and as if the above mentioned businesses are found on every street.

Between them there are restaurants who can pass off as decent, especially the Indian ones, even though the Norwegian palate is more delicate than most others.

Sights
Norway suffers heavily in this department for not being a feudalist country proper. Having almost no nobility, there are no castles, and the manors rarely impress the seasoned traveller. Going to Norway means seeing the scenery and a modest example of modern sights.

In Oslo: Oslo has tons of museums, and some of these are even worth going to:

• Folkemuseet is a museum for the people, and give an idea of how used to live in the time old traditions known as the eighties. Also, there are buildings from the 18th century onwards worth a good sightseeing.
• The Viking ship Museum: (note, most Norwegians pronounce Viking "Wiking", perhaps to sound less Norwegian. No one quite knows why) This museum harbours three authentic viking ships from roughly 800 AD. There are also some nice artefacts, but you will quickly find out that you paid a bit too much to see so few things. If you haven't discovered the relationship between price and quality before, Welcome to Norway!
• The Kon-Tiki Museum: The adventurer and self-styled archaeologist Thor Heyerdahl made a number of boats to prove the something that probably didn't happen could have happened. The most famous theory was that the Polynesians could have come from America by boats. While some might argue that few Inca Indians in their right mind would go on a chance mission in an ill-equipped boat, it matters little. Sense is second rank when one chooses one's national heroes.
• The Munch museum: By far the most known Norwegian artist, Munch was a tortured soul who provided scary and emotional pictures until he was given a government grant. Then he became boring and predictable. His scary period is worth a look.

While in the area, the Botanical Gardens are an OK stop only some metres away. There are thankfully several spots in this Garden which does not smell like an old lady. Don't bother about the Historical Museum, and only go to the National Gallery if you are interested in national romanticism at its closest border to kitch.

Other sights include the Opera House, a Gargantuan attempt at combining the Guggenheim and the Sydney Opera house. The result might seem as if a normal building had its roof cave in, but it is certainly original. The interior is a bit too 70s failing to be Art Nouveau. There's also the Vigeland Park (or Frogner park), which is a regular park with statues in various poses on it. The best way to experience the park is by looking at how the tourists make complete fools of themselves trying to appear funny beside the various statues. There's also the Palace, which looks surprisingly much like any other palace. There are some nice rooms and interesting beds, and if you have time to spare, why not. Lastly, there's the Akershus fortress, a 800 year old fortress. Most of it is modernized, and where else would one put the WW2 Resistance Museum?

In Trondheim:

• Nidarosdomen: The cathedral of Nidaros can compete with most Medieval Gothic churches in sheer spookiness. It is a beautiful cathedral worth entering, not for the sparse decoration (the little that remains after iconoclasm), but for the elongatec bows and the creepy feeling that ghosts and vampires are watching you from afar. As is to be expected, there is a story about a monk who hauts the cathedral, however most Norwegians write it off as a stunt combined with a number of anxious people, including a philosophy teacher. Their stories about the monk ar run-of-the-mill, and the cathedral needs no such stories to look haunted.
• Stiftsgården: Having become a monarchy in its own right, Norway decided to make a number of buildings to the new sovereign. One of which was a wooden building called "Stiftsgården", which is a relatively impressive building. As this place was the site for the wedding of Märtha Louise (Norway's colourful angel-seeing nut-job of a princess) and Ari Behn (the embodiment of a fortune hunter biting off much more than he could chew), it is no wonder why one of the room is in all pink.
• Munkholmen: Munkholmen is an island with a larrge building which has served as a place of excecution, a monastery, a fortress and a prison, or, as a trønder would say it, a family park. The place is full of history, most of which of a gory kind whti blind kings, executed usurpers, powerful Benedictine monks and, in the end, nazi anti-aircraft gunners. The non-alcoholic Norwegian beer Munkholm has nothing whatsoever to do with this place, which is rather sad.

In Bergen

• Bryggen: Bergen is nothing if not a fishmonger's city. The most famous site is the wharf where the Hanseatic League had their headquarter. While most of the buildings are much newer, a couple of buildings still standing are from the 16th century. Rumours have it they still smell of fish.
• Fisketorget: Unsurprisingly, another famous sight is where the fish is sold. If you don't care for fish, spending more than two hours in Bergen is superfluous.
• Bergenhus fortress: If you have been to Akershus fortress, go directly to the Rosenkrantz tower and Haakon's hall. Skip the rest. If you haven't, have a look around and skip Akershus fortress when or if you go to Oslo.
• Fløibanen: One of Bergen's most famous sights is a funicular. Or a sort of monorail, if you prefer. Take it to the top if you have the time. Say "it's really a great view" and take it down.

Minor sights like miles on miles of quaint, narrow side streets, the National Scene (theatre) and the aquarium (you wouldn't expect a zoo in this maritime millieu?) are okay, as is the main shopping street.

Other cities: There are no other cities in Norway. Some of the larger hamlets might be interesting. Stavanger is OK, and Tromsø is exotic at least for its northernmost position.

Norway and transportation
For a country with a modest 4.5 million, Norway is surprisingly big, beating United Kingdom (6o million) with almost 80,000 square kilometres, or One Czech Republic. Given Norwegians' general mistrust of neighbours, they have seated themselves as far away from each other as climate allows. The four largest cities prove this:
Oslo - Bergen: 467 km (7 hours by car)
Oslo - Trondheim: 500 km (more than 7 hours by car)
Oslo - Stavanger: 452 km (roughly 7 hours by car)
Bergen - Trondheim: 633 km (9 1/2 hours by car and one ferry)
Bergen - Stavanger: 189 km (roughly four hours by car and three ferries - if they are on time)

There are four trusted ways to get between the cities:

By car: The main difference between Norwegians and other drivers is that the traffic laws and rules, such as giving way for the car to your right, are actually respected. In fact, compared to most of the world, driving in Norway is a breeze as far as other drivers are concerned. Just remember, don't use your horn. It is not becomming in Norway.

That's the bit about other drivers. As far as gas prices are concerned, they are very high. While they are not highest in Europe, Norwegian prices are heavily taxed, and it is believed that 80% of the money are taxes. This is among the top political causes in Norway, which gives you some idea about the problems there. Also, there are quite a few toll booths and if you are planning on eating while on one of these trips, you should bring a lot of cash.

By train or bus: If you decide to take the train, bring a book or something else to while away your time, and be early. Trains either leave two minutes before or half an hour after schedule. Also, buy food before entering the train, as even Norwegians think that train food is heavily overpriced. Speaking of which, you will be paying through your nose to use the train.

Taking a bus is roughly the same, only they rarely have any food serving on board.

By airplane: Don't buy any food on board, and you are good to go. There are inexpensive flights, but remember to add roughly £ 200 ($326) to the price in hidden expenses if you are flying with Ryanair. If you travel with Norwegian, you need only add £50. On the plane, Norwegians might appear drunk and disorderly, but this is really true only for about 10% of the travellers. The others are merely disorderly.

Regardless where you sit, Norwegians will, if at all possible, avoid sitting next to you. It's not you, it's the Norwegian way. Perhaps Norwegians need the free air, perhaps they are over-sensitive, perhaps they are loners. Social at public transport they certainly are not.

Norwegians 2: Intellect and social life
Norwegians have a broad yet shallow knowledge. They might know rudimentary facts about your home country or remind you of the time Norway beat you in anything, but it stops there. The same thing is true for languages. Almost all Norwegians speak English with a good or bearable pronounciation, but the vocabulary is often limited. In current events, Norwegians rarely have any information about anyting above headline level.

A good way to demonstrate this is to consider how easily Norwegians are offended if someone mistakes Norwegians for Swedes or believes Norway to be a city rather than a country. This mistake should not be made by a European, but an American and certainly an Oceanian cannot be asked to know the intricacies of European geography. It is inadvisable to point out how inconsequential Norway is to world trade or world peace, but in reality, there is no reason why an American should know Norwegian geography any more than that of, say, Togo, which has a sesquimillion more inhabitants. Norwegians would of course not know the capital of neither Togo nor any other African country (or in deed most European, Asian or American), as geography, along with history, mathematics, religion, social science and grammar are considered unimportant subjects.

Most people coming from abroad are surprised by the informality of Norwegians. Informality reads "rudeness". Norwegians hardly ever apologize, they cut lines wherever possible, they rarely use words like "please" or "would you mind", they place the blame on others whenever possible and they often roll their eyes if you have not heard of a typical Norwegian phenomenon. For what it's worth, it isn't you, it's them. And by international standards, they're quite good drivers. Also, Norwegians mostly leave you alone. Beggars do excist, but ignoring them is widely encouraged.

Other points of note is that Norweigans have a strange relationship to money. They care little or nothing about how to save money by choosing a less expensive supermarket, they rarely start campaigns or even compare prizes. Doing so is often considered petty. Contrary, what is not petty is that Norwegians pay and demand exact change if they pay, say, your drink or food at a restaurant or pub. This technique borders on the textbook definition of greed.

As far as religion is concerned, over 80% of the people are members of the state Church of Norway, which by and large means that they are atheists. This atheistic approach to Christianity has shown to have many advantages, amongst them general acceptance of gay marriages, female priests, abortion and sermons void of religious content. Many hard-core Christians want the church separated from the state, which makes their homophobia less of a hindrance.

There is a growing Catholisism in Oslo, mainly thanks to Polish immigration, but as few immigrants who come to Norway stay there (Polish, Swedes and Germans are work immigrants), the main focus is on islamophobia. There are, at most, a handful of semi-scary cells of aggressive and semi-militant Muslims in Norway, and they have, as in the case of Arfan Bhatti, shown to be completely useless and incompetent.

Norway and the world
Norwegians have a confusing relationship with the world. On one hand, they prefer not to be noticed, on the other hand, they love attention. The former is because of a deep-rooted fear that attention gives us more immigrants, and immigrants are trying to take over the country. This paranoid fear is not completely unfounded, as there are few coffee shops, bakeries or even bars in the capital where Swedish is not the lengua franca. It is, however, on the ebb, as unemployment is so low it seems like a joke to most foreigners.

The latter stems from the case that Norwegians know that they live in an insignificant country, for which they suffer with an inferiority complex. Norwegians are often childishly happy if someone writes about them, and doubly so if it's actually something positive.
This absurd mixture is difficult to explain without examples:

EU: Norwegians are divided into those whose relationship with EU is driven by arguments and those whose view border on religious extacy, more often than not against the EU. Actual arguments having been used are that EU is anti-democratic, fascist, the Beast (Rev. 13) and designed to steal money from Norway. The superior arguments of the pro-EU side is that everyone else is doing it.
Norway is slightly against the EU (52/48), partly for fear of bureaucracy, partly because of a paranoid belief that EU will steal Norwegian oil wealth.

Sweden: Norway is the kid brother who wants to be better than Sweden in everything. Considering that Sweden has successsful enterprises like H&M, IKEA and Volvo and Norway's mot successful company produces manure, further explanation is superfluous.

Denmark: Norwegians largely believe Danes to be jolly beer drinkers with a speech impediment. This is wholly untrue, as many Danes prefer schnaps.

England: For no particular reason, Norway has been in love with England. The love is unrequited, but Norway copes as would many desperate(ly love-struck) girl does when in love with someone as solipsistic as England, by making up excuses for them. Norway's relationship to Scotland is a bit different: Norwegians agree that Scotland is nice, but it's a bit too close to home, like kissing one's (actual) cousin.

Other countries: Norwegians are fond of their stereotypes, and hardly think outside the box if it can be prevented. Therefore:

• Finns drink too much and speak too little.
• Icelandic people are crazy.
• The Dutch are liberal pot-smoking, orange-clad and phlegmatic.
• The Belgians are much like the Dutch, except they drink more beer and smoke less marihuana.
• Luxembourg is a bank.
• The French are arrogant, self-serving people who refuse to learn English and eat squishy things like snails and cheese which isn't brown.
• The Italians are slick, often well-dressed and bad at speaking English.
• Spaniards are lazy (!).
• The Portuguese are much like the Spanish.
• Germans have no sense of humor and no tastebuds to speak of. But they make a decent beer. All Germans love marching.
• Eastern Europe is a gray lump of concrete and pollution whch lasts from Poland to Bulgaria and eastwards.
• Americans are the fat, jolly guy everyone wants for an uncle.
• Africans live on the savannah and hunt impalas. Or live in the city and scam money via e-mail scams.
• Latin-Americans are masochist who continuously vote for the worst alternative. Or they are drug lords.
• There are two kinds of Asians, Moslems, who are terrorists and oppressive, and the rest, who are just foreign.

Norwegian music
Like many Western European countries, Norway has a diverse musical life, and it would do best to divide them into genres:


Pop: The first thing you must know about Norwegians and commercial music is that they don't like it. The artists, that is. The artists would much rather create masterpieces that fifteen guys from Northampton would buy than simple songs which will make their family rich for decades, if not centuries. If you point out that Norwegian music isn't very commercial, you might get the famous "duh!" reaction, like you are stating that water is wet.

To the bands: Do you remember the run-of-the-mill 80's synth-pop band called a-ha? If you don't, you wold be hard put to name any Norwegian pop acts. The band had some hits in the UK and the USA, most famous were "Take on me", "Hunting high and low" and "The sun always shines on TV". They're still around, doing reunions which last for about a month before they start hating each other.

Aside from them, Norway has produced few bands worth remembering. The hip-pop band Madcon had a successful stint with the song "Beggin'" and an OK follow-up with "Liar". There is a jungle out there with pop attempts stranded immediately for obvious reasons: Lene Alexandra (Norway's even more tasteless answer to Samantha Fox), D'Sound (Norway's not-too-bad answer to the Cardigans), Flava to da Bone (how not to do hip-hop), and a host of failed Pop Idol contributions (Alajandro Fuentes, Tone Damli Aaberge, Kurt Nilsen et cetera ad infinitum) have produced pointless songs and coated it with a complete lack of personality. Only rarely do Norwegian pop stars produce their own songs.


Rock: One must admire Norwegian rock musicians for having a grip on reality. The traditional rockers as a rule sing in Norwegian (Dum Dum Boys, Raga Rockers, CC Cowboys and Jokke & Valentinerne(1)), and the nearest thing Norway came to making it in the international scene was with the Mullet Rockers of the 80's (TNT - 10 000 lovers (in one) and Stage Dolls - Love cries) . These songs might cause amusement and nostalgia, but they are hardly proud moments in Norwegian history.

Then there are the untraditional rockers: the dark and spooky metalheads. There are three large categories within this spectrum:
- Black Metal: Falsetto screaming, satanistic themes and the odd, pointless solo.
- Death Metal: Low octave growling, death themes and no solos.
- Doom Metal: Bo-hoo, the world is coming to an end, performed in a syrupy manner.
Of these Black Metal is the largest scene in Norway. Bands with colourful names such as Dimmu Borgir, Satyricon, Isengard, Burzum, Mayhem, Gorgoroth and Carpathian Forest have made quite a scene by recreating the sounds of an abbatoir topped with meaningless drivel about Satan, God and idividualism (individualism means that everyone wears black outfits with spikes) in an "Evil Bee-Gees" manner. Unsurprisingly, Germany loves it.
As a side remark, the obvious bridge between rock and black metal, Goth rock, has a small following in Norway. Evidentally either it's going to be upbeat or over the top.

Evil rock: While Black Metal is considered evil, there is a form of rock which surpasses Black Metal both in shock value and diabolical motivation, the trønderrock. So-called because it hails from Trøndelag, the area in which Hell is actually located, trønderrock often preys upon the simplistic and immoral instincts of man. Women who witness a trønderrock fan, often with a D.D.E. t-shirt (D.D.E. are the Lords of Trønderrock), a smell of beer, an undefinable amount of snuff tobacco in the upper lip, a free range buttock and a large vocabulary for parts of the female body and of acts of sexual activity, will in 2 out of 3 leave quickly, even run if need be.

House/synth: As mentioned above, techno rarely made it into the Norwegian mindset because it was simple and commercial. Neither the first (euro-bands like Snap, 2 Unlimited and C + C Music Factory), the second (trip-hop-Bristol-Prodigy) or the third (Air, Daft Punk and other French outfits) waves of techno left much interest among Norwegian artists. Norway was partially to blame for the horrendous "Barbie Girl", but in all fairness, the only Norwegian contribution was the vocals.

As always, you can always count on the underground scene in Norway. Funny enough, all seem to come from the far north, probably because it's so remote from Oslo that no one has had the time to tell artists that elitsim beats commercial success any day. Bel Canto, Biosphere and Röyksopp have to some degree made quite a few headlines in the continent as well as in England. The only non-Tromsø band to achieve moderate success in this department is Apoptygma Berzerk, a name which sounds just as silly in Norwegian.


Jazz: There is no jazz scene in Norway. To speak of.


Blues: See Jazz.


Classical: Norway's biggest hit within music is undoubtedly Edvard Grieg. You have heard his "morning" or his "In the hall of the mountain king" at least, you just don't know it's him. He has one or two more hits. Aside from him, Norway has a couple of composers world famous in Norway and, you guessed it, Germany.


Eurovision Song Contest: From zero to hero and back again, Norway vary greatly within these extremes. From early on Norway made an outstanding effort, getting only two points in their third appearance and making an even 0 in their fourth. That was the first of four zeros for a country infamous for their entertainment capabilities. This record would probably have been even worse if Norway's neighbours had not offered them sympathy points: Norway has been the worst country 10 times, the best effort by any country ever. It therefore puzzled many Norwegians when they won in 1985. The reason for this victory was an adaptability unknown in other parts of Norwegian cultural or political life. Their first attempt at an upbeat song with energy and women with high hair and pink sequins hit the middle of the 80s right at home. Their second win was ten years later, when the Norwegians caught the Celtic wave very early on, and managed to snatch the victory from Ireland, triple winner before the -95 show. In 2009 the Belarussian-Norwegian Alexander Rybak excellently caught the Eastern European feel that was coming on, copying last year's winner down to the fiddle and the crazy show. We also suck up to the hosts, by sending a Swede to Sweden in -85, an Irish woman to Ireland in -95 and a Belorussian to Russia.


Country: Norway has a strong antipathy between city and country, and between Oslo and other cities. If nothing else, the cities united in a stand against Country music, which is considered bumpkin music. In the rural areas of Norway, Country is popular, and there are several Country musicians out there that makes you long for Norway's Eurovision entries.


"Dansband": Not all things from Sweden are good. Dansband is downright evil. It involves sappy song performed on accordion and boring guitars, made for dancing bad swing. As the name implies, there is a band involved, including a vocalist who is invariably a womanizer, at least one accordion player and some guitarists. A true Dansband has stolen their wardrobe from a 70s pimp and coloured it so many times it has all but faded.



(1) Some people might miss de Lillos from this list. de Lillos are as much a rock band as Kenny G, and slightly less so than Mariah Carey.

Norwegians 1:

Norwegians are a strange race. They believe strongly in the freedom of the individual and at the same time in the duty to the common good. They believe in a symbiosis between state and individual wherein Norwegians should be able to live off the state, but be too proud to do so. As such they would make terrible communists and even worse liberalists.

- and strangers: Norwegians are notoriously shy to strangers. This should not be confused with xenophobia, Norwegians are as a rule shy themselves inbetween as well. Norwegians feel the need to be well acquainted with people before even the most harmless intimacy is accepted. Hugs and kisses on the cheek (or in the air by the cheek) on a first encounter will baffle the Norwegian at least, annoy them at the most. This may vary on first dates, but not much. Also, don't boast. Norwegians suffer from an inferiority complex mixed with a bizarre moralist upbringing. Boasting is considered vulgar as a rule, in Norway it is even worse (the word "skamros", flattery until it becomes shameful, is a typical Norwegian sin). The rules about boasting does not count if you boast about Norway.


- and alcohol: Norwegians have an unhealthy relationship towards alcohol. A shindig or a night on the town costs so much that most foreigners wonder if staying social for a month means not sending your kids to college. As most of the Norwegian universities and colleges are free (not economics, though), and as Norwegians earn much even when subtracting the cost of living, this is not completely accurate. The price on alcohol is high, though, and many Norwegians visit neighbouring countries (Sweden, Denmark by boat or Finland in the North) simply to buy beer. Norwegians might consume their alcohol in small sips or spread out the week, but it is more popular to binge drink for two days and stay sober until the next weekend.



- and crime: Most Norwegians believe that crime is something that happens somewhere else. Some believe that it came with foreigners, even though the crime rate has gone down significantly after the first wave of Pakistani immigrants. In reality, there are few crimes in Norway, and even fewer violent ones. Which is strange, considered that what Norwegians consider a prison cell, Italians consider a one star hotel room. Norwegians as a rule are anti-capital punishment, even though everyone has one person they would like to make an exception for.



- and civil rights: in Norway wou will not appear in court for your statements, but that does not mean that you will not be judged. Said simple, Norwegians would argue that you have the right to sound like an idiot in public. That is, unless you make racist comments, whcih are technically prohibited. If the picture painted of Norway comes of as somewhat grim, it will not surprise many readers that Norway is almost 100% pro-choice; if nothing else, Norwegians believe that no one should be forced to have to live in Norway (which by and large sums up their immigration policy as well). In short, your civil rights are safe in Norway, provided you don't smoke.

Norwegian poltics, part 2



Politics among the people
Norway is invariably among the top three countries in which to live, a well-known fact that blows Norwegians' already inflated ego into gargantuan proportions. Norway is also the second best democratic country in the world as far as BNP per capita is concerned, after Luxembourg. Needless to say, Norwegians complain copiously about their situation.


Political discussions, using the term widely, are as a rule simplified into crude generalizations such as "yes" or "no", and most discussions are free of bothersome facts. An example of this is one of the favourite topics in Norwegian political discussion, the Israel/Palestine discussion. It is always discussed as a matter between these two parties, without the complicating factors of Lebanon, Syria, USA, EU, UN, Iran, Saudi-Arabia, Jordan or the many international organizations, terrorist or otherwise. Furthermore, all Israelis are reduced to "representatives shining becon of democratic light/supporters of a Super-Fascist Dictatorship" while all Palestinians are "baby-killing terrorists/Freedom fighters". Admitting nuances in Norway is as good as admitting defeat.

This static mentality makes most Norwegian political debates a shouting contest. Miraculously, Norwegian political debate is only average in the popular practise of ad hominem attacks. The topic for discussion, however, is another matter. Norwegians' love for black and white makes for many grim scenarios if their political opposition gains the governmental reins.

Having looked at how Norwegians debate, it's time to look at what they debate. Here is a run-through of the most popular political issues:
- The Elderly: The general concensus is that the elderly are treated appallingly, and that something must be done. What to be done is immaterial, as long as it happens. Generally by spending more money, letting the private sector take over or both(!).

- Schools: Norwegians care little for education, but they care about having better schools. There are two alternative suggestions, either to increase demands on what it takes to be a teacher or to give teachers a higher income. Few, if any, believe both factors to be a good idea. That would be rewarding effort.

- Nurseries/Kindergartens: There are few of these, and more have to be built. Rather than doing so, all parties agrue that the other parties are not doing it. Norwegians fail to understand the subtlety involved with actually building more nurseries and hiring more staff, and are as a result angry with politicians for what they see as inactivity and laziness, but what a skilled politician would call "correct procedure".

- Immigration: People from areas with few or no immigrants fear immigrants. People from places which actually do have immigrants are more diverse. Most targeted are the Pakistani, even though they make a relatively modest contribution to the number of first generation immigrants (they're number six), and unlike all other immigrant groups of note, they give birth to and bring up their children in Norway. Pakistani also make a good effort in learning Norwegian, unlike Swedes, who hardly speak a word of it.

Norwegian Politics, part 1

The political parties

For foreigners trying to grasp the political landscape of Norway, it might seem as if they have to escape a maze of political opinion to understand both what the parties represent and which party most likely suits them. This is, of course, nonsense, as will be demonstrated by a run-down of the eight largest political parties from left to right:

Rødt (Red): Norway's most famous also-ran, Rødt calls temselves revolutionary socialist and feminist, which means that they are post-Communists who miss the 70s. Rødt currently spend most of their time trying to renew street names and arranging street protests against some country or other.

SV (Socialist Left): SV used to be the socialist watchdog for Labour (q.v.), but having been in Government for four years, they have become so bland that even they are wondering what their purpose is. Their strong points are nurseries (or Kindergarten to our American friends) and anti-imperialism, which means that if all else fails, they blame USA, Capitalism or both. Unfortunately, they also have the departments involving the two issues, so they are often at war with themselves.

Ap (Labour): The largest party in Norway since before the war, Labour have showed great skills of manoeuvrability, wherein they adapt most of the "hits" from other parties to their own ranks. Only occasionally do they do things to remind people that they are at least in theory to the left of centre. For this puropse, Labour always have at least one ideologist mascot. Their current one is the popular Foreign Minister Jonas Gahr Støre. Unpopular politicians, such as Karita Bekkemellem, are often dispatched with in a Correleone-like fashion.

Sp (Agrarian): Sp ("centre party") refers to the position on the traditional political scale, otherwise Sp are against any centralization. The prostitutes of party politics goes to bed with Labour or Concervatives depending on their needs, which is to protect farmers from any competition, including with each other. Sp are notoriously xenophobic, so it's best to tell them that you are not here to sell your meat or dairy products.

V (Left): The closest thing to a Liberal (but not really liberalist) party, Venstre has a long history of internal disagreement, and therefore no one is ever surprised by sudden changes in the wind. Being indesicive is often confused with having an open mind, and as such the party has become popular amongst students and self-styled intellectuals. Their larger-than-life leader is a famous windbag who does little to clarify what Venstre are up to. This makes the Liberals very much like a box of chocolate, as Forrest Gump pointed out.

KrF (Christian Liberals): KrF are often considered the moralist no-fun party. This is a bit unfair, and stems from the fact that they are anti-smoking, anti-drinking, many prefer no sex before marriage, they are against abortion, they have a large homofobic following and they want bars to close earlier. Also being anti-EU (as are all parties except H and partially Ap), their stance on Israel marks their one case where they are pro something. Their current leader, Dagfinn Høybråten, is generally accepted as talented in logic and one of the most boring people in Norway.

H (Conservatives): The Conservatives are a strange mix of Centre-Liberal-Liberalist-Conservative people currently resembling a chicken running around without a head. Traditionally they want lower taxes, a more competitive school system and a more flexible bureauccracy, but now they are more into pointless slogans. H has all the makings of a has-been in politics, and a similie might be two people in a rowboat arguing who is the captain.

FrP: (Liberalist-cum-popularist): The only party not to have been in government, except the miniscule Rødt, FrP are the second largest party thanks to the headless chicken Conservatories and the supra-ideological Labour. If FrP got into power, most things would be solved, provided that we did not have to pay for this with real money. Aside from their financial ineptitude, FrP have caused attention by stea.. adapting to new voters from KrF by taking a modest stand against homosexuality and from others by taking a strong stand against immigration. FrP also pride themselves on their antillectualism, as they dispatched themselves of thinkers in 1993.

The comedian Craig Fergusson said "If you don't vote, you're a moron". With that in mind, you have a relatively simple task ahead of you: If you're a right-wing Tory or a centre-right to right wing Republican, vote FrP. If you're anything else, vote for another party. It hardly matters which.

Norwegian film

A short introduction in four easy steps:

1. The Director
2. The Actors
3. The Film
4. A typical Norwegian film

Norwegian film

4. A typical Norwegian film

So, tidying it all up, how is a typical Norwegian film? Probably something like this: Knut (Aksel Henie for movie/Kristoffer Joner for film), escaping some undefined haunting drama, goes down to the South of Norway for some recreation from his monotonous job and/or his insomnia. On the train he meets some people who he tries not to talk to, which seems to be quite a challenge. They return later in the film, but play no important role.

As he arrives at the seaside cottage, with all the qualities of sparse elextricity, outhouses, bad roads and a radio which was old in the 1960s, he meets the attractive Ida (Pia/Ane) and the crazy sailor Arne (played by Bjørn Sundquist, Norway's bizzare answer to Jack Nicholson), who takes the role of sage. There's also Mats, who suffers from an undefined mental illness, and whose purpose in the film is not clear.

Perhaps from boredom of her daily company, Ida starts to flirt wildly with the immature (Aksel) or introvert (Kristoffer) Knut. Knut, however, is so racked with undefined guilt, issues or both that rather than actually picking up the 17 pound hints offered by Ida, he engages in an awkward conversation. Then he decides to sneak around in her house, steal something that belongs to her and smell it (and pleasure himself if it's a film). Arne and Knut gets drunk, and Arne is both offensive and depressive when drunk, furthering Knut’s outlook on life.

Then comes the turning point: For no particular reason, Arne gets undressed, shouts wildly, shoots a number of rounds into the air while swearing more than Scotland, falls on the slippery rocks and disappears into the water. Mats refuses to accept this for more than one of Arne's antics, but Knut takes this as a hint to bettering his ways. If it is a film, Mats will say something non sequitur which helps Knut understand his only options, to fight his inner demons. These are invariably his father or a childhood scene where he (didn't really) indirectly caused the death of a friend back in Oslo. Ida meets him in Oslo in the final scene (how she got his address is among the many mysteries of life we must learn to adopt to) when he is even less talkative. This time she skips the formalities and takes the initiative, and he follows even more inanimately than before.

If it's a movie, he seduces Ida with the elegance of grizzly bear, and they end up in bed, at least one of them heavily drunk. He feels awkward and she makes breakfast. Her boyfriend comes to her house at some point. When the two men are alone, he confronts Knut with Knut's sexual relationship with Ida, and as Knut doesn't answer, her boyfriend hits him. Knut leaves without a word. Ida is torn between doing nothing and deciding who to love. She runs out of her boyfriend as he is about to confront her, and cries at a large rock some metres from where Knut sits. Knut remains motionless, her boyfriend leaves her for her cousin. Knut and Ida watch the sunset together.

1. The Director
2. The Actors
3. The Film
Back to the Index

Norwegian Film
3. The film

There is a popular notion that there is a clear difference between "film" and "movie", werein the former holds artistic quality and the latter is mere entertainment. In Norway, there is a strong movement towards the former category. This doesn't mean that Norwegians cinematographic products are films, but more that they try to be. In part 2 we discussed actors and their need to play out scenes in ways hard to find outside of a theatre since the introduction of sound. Another artistic merit Norwegian films have, is the lead character's complete inability to do anything. Apathy is the true path to wisdom in a Norwegian film (for a prime example of this, watch the cornucopia of artistic clichés that is "Hawaii, Oslo").

Part of the reason for the Norwegian love for these films is that Norway has relatively recently and somewhat reluctantly broken free from the mentality that Social democratic providence will help Norwegians make the right decisions. Entertainment for its own sake is therefore a somewhat new concept (stand-up comedians did not enter the Norwegian scene before the late 90s). Another reason is the Norwegian word "Angst", which has no good English equivalence (it's a mix between "anxiety" and "depression", not unlike how many foreigners feel after having seen a Norwegian film).

This does not mean that there are no Norwegian movies. In fact, the most known Norwegian films are light entertainment in comedy (Fleksnes, their version of Tommy Hancock, is particularily popular), action and some crime (albeit they are often overtaken by broad strokes of sensitive issues of police brutality, corruption, political agenda, rendering the finding of the killer almost unimportant). In recent years, film directors have discovered that countries outside Norway make films of their own, and that these are as a rule better. Therefore Norwegian films have more international elements, making them at least tolerable to the international viewer.

1. The Director
2. The Actors
4. A typical Norwegian film

Norwegian film

2: Actors
Norway has five actors; Pia Tjelta, Nicolai Cleve Broch, Aksel Henie, Ane Dahl Torp and Kristoffer Joner. Any combination of the first three means that it is a light-headed film (or "movie"), while films with the other two might in some cases involve serious acting. If you feel like bluffing your way into avant garde Norwegian film, mention the name Trond Espen Seim (picture, right, doing the reknowned vacant stare), but add quicly that you don't like his commersial films. He is the darling of the more artistically inclined directors, a Scarlett Johansson of Norway, if you please.

The reason for the relatively low number of actors isn't because acting is frowned upon, quite on the contrary. There are many people who believe themselves to be good actors and a couple of actors who play themselves (or act their persona in real life, most don't know the difference). The reason why so few are recognized is because of the Strasberg Curse (or "Method Acting" to conossieurs).

Method Actring, or putting yourself in the shoes of your character, is a good idea in theory. In Norway, however, it too often results in too much interpretation, and when thrown in with Norwegian taste for the theatre, it ends up with too much emotion, too many long "meaningful" stares into the camera or at the other actor and too emotionally loaded line deliveries. On their day, Norwegian actors below the six aforementioned could make a Shakespeare play come off as an Ed Wood movie.

1. The Director
3. The Film
4. A typical Norwegian film

Norwegian film:

1. Directors
Few countries master the art of pretenciousness as well as Norwegians. Norway is technologically advanced in many areas, but within film they still consider it as a prolongation of theatre, which partly explains the strange acting (we will return to this in a moment). Like Lina Lamont and Norma Desmond, Norway also rues the day when talking pictures took over for communicating with long glances, exaggerated gestures and long periods of silence with unsuitable music.

These days, however, are losing ground as a group of bold film professionals are covering new ground. Foremost among these are the new and daring directors. Norwegian directors have discovered that telling the audience that they should like it only goes so far. This breakthrough experience often leads Norwegians of all shapes and sizes to arrive at the conclusion that the Golden Era of Norwegian film has arrived. Polite nods from abroad further this delusion.

Some directors therefore believe themselves ready for greater tasks than Norwegian versions of Hanks/Ryan or Japanese horror films. Norwegians are in deed in the starting blocks to worldwide fame, having the way all but paved by Norway's most famous director, Harald Zwart. This remarkable Norwegian has already created cinematographic masterpieces such as "One night at McCool's", "The Pink Panther 2" and "Agent Cody Banks", who were as sucessful critically as they were commercially.

2. The Actors
3. The Film
4. A typical Norwegian film