Norwegian Politics, part 1

The political parties

For foreigners trying to grasp the political landscape of Norway, it might seem as if they have to escape a maze of political opinion to understand both what the parties represent and which party most likely suits them. This is, of course, nonsense, as will be demonstrated by a run-down of the eight largest political parties from left to right:

Rødt (Red): Norway's most famous also-ran, Rødt calls temselves revolutionary socialist and feminist, which means that they are post-Communists who miss the 70s. Rødt currently spend most of their time trying to renew street names and arranging street protests against some country or other.

SV (Socialist Left): SV used to be the socialist watchdog for Labour (q.v.), but having been in Government for four years, they have become so bland that even they are wondering what their purpose is. Their strong points are nurseries (or Kindergarten to our American friends) and anti-imperialism, which means that if all else fails, they blame USA, Capitalism or both. Unfortunately, they also have the departments involving the two issues, so they are often at war with themselves.

Ap (Labour): The largest party in Norway since before the war, Labour have showed great skills of manoeuvrability, wherein they adapt most of the "hits" from other parties to their own ranks. Only occasionally do they do things to remind people that they are at least in theory to the left of centre. For this puropse, Labour always have at least one ideologist mascot. Their current one is the popular Foreign Minister Jonas Gahr Støre. Unpopular politicians, such as Karita Bekkemellem, are often dispatched with in a Correleone-like fashion.

Sp (Agrarian): Sp ("centre party") refers to the position on the traditional political scale, otherwise Sp are against any centralization. The prostitutes of party politics goes to bed with Labour or Concervatives depending on their needs, which is to protect farmers from any competition, including with each other. Sp are notoriously xenophobic, so it's best to tell them that you are not here to sell your meat or dairy products.

V (Left): The closest thing to a Liberal (but not really liberalist) party, Venstre has a long history of internal disagreement, and therefore no one is ever surprised by sudden changes in the wind. Being indesicive is often confused with having an open mind, and as such the party has become popular amongst students and self-styled intellectuals. Their larger-than-life leader is a famous windbag who does little to clarify what Venstre are up to. This makes the Liberals very much like a box of chocolate, as Forrest Gump pointed out.

KrF (Christian Liberals): KrF are often considered the moralist no-fun party. This is a bit unfair, and stems from the fact that they are anti-smoking, anti-drinking, many prefer no sex before marriage, they are against abortion, they have a large homofobic following and they want bars to close earlier. Also being anti-EU (as are all parties except H and partially Ap), their stance on Israel marks their one case where they are pro something. Their current leader, Dagfinn Høybråten, is generally accepted as talented in logic and one of the most boring people in Norway.

H (Conservatives): The Conservatives are a strange mix of Centre-Liberal-Liberalist-Conservative people currently resembling a chicken running around without a head. Traditionally they want lower taxes, a more competitive school system and a more flexible bureauccracy, but now they are more into pointless slogans. H has all the makings of a has-been in politics, and a similie might be two people in a rowboat arguing who is the captain.

FrP: (Liberalist-cum-popularist): The only party not to have been in government, except the miniscule Rødt, FrP are the second largest party thanks to the headless chicken Conservatories and the supra-ideological Labour. If FrP got into power, most things would be solved, provided that we did not have to pay for this with real money. Aside from their financial ineptitude, FrP have caused attention by stea.. adapting to new voters from KrF by taking a modest stand against homosexuality and from others by taking a strong stand against immigration. FrP also pride themselves on their antillectualism, as they dispatched themselves of thinkers in 1993.

The comedian Craig Fergusson said "If you don't vote, you're a moron". With that in mind, you have a relatively simple task ahead of you: If you're a right-wing Tory or a centre-right to right wing Republican, vote FrP. If you're anything else, vote for another party. It hardly matters which.